havent posted in a long while. been really busy with duties and now that the usb thingy for the net is down, its not often that i can log on to the net.

duties are almost done the month, for which i have been doing like i was given extras. back to back duties and suddenly its nearing july. how time pass by so fast.

june has been an okay month for me, but a little on the upside cause 1) i completed my driving course, and 2) i finally get to go on a ''holiday'' to k.l. for a wedding where i met this cute girl, damn how i wish i could see her smile again..hah! klcc was a magnificent sight at night with the lights and all. kampong life was really serene and nice. wish it was like that here. when life was simple. but to come back from my driving course and do a 22hr duty on a sunday sucks balls.

july's coming,means i've got one more month to enjoy riding sai's bike. and i still havent decided whether to get my own this yr or next. or maybe carry on with class 2a or civilian's class 3. at least life's not too complicated now. lesser worries/burdens/stress.

and now, i shall end here cause i longed for a smoke.

life sucks.
no wait. it doesnt suck.
being in where im in now is what making it suck. to the max.
no matter what you do. its so fucking routine and boring.
i want adventure. i want thrills.
i want to get a wr200 and do motocross racing.
or freestyle. i want get bails and land and break my bones.
but not die. haha. who wants to?
i want to do rock climbing. free climbing. bungee jumping. sky diving.
since when did i get so hyper active? hah!
i want to make great, no wait. awesome songs with my band and record demos and play gigs
with all the awesome bands. and get wasted.
i want to travel and enjoy life.
and i've decided that these are my goals.
crazy? i think it's not even close.
but then let's start slow.
who's up for it?

first day of the course, and i think it's gonna be okay.
had doubts whether i should dropout of the class 3 course.
but tasted the driving of the jeep(which i always wanted,well the nicer ones of course.)
never knew i'd be the one to be picked out of the guys in camp for the driving course.

and going home was a bit scary i must say.
i think something hit my leg, probably a huge rock or something.
and then something happened to the bike which made me panic a bit.
lets not ride like that again shall we fiq?.. haha.
maybe its nothing but who knows. needs consultation.

for now i'm glad i've done my homework, which is 350 questions on theory.
and i'll probably expect more of this to come.

then there's this feeling. of. hunger.
which i shall tend to now. i'm always hungry am i?
and i'm still thinking whether to go k.l this month with the newly extended family.
hmmm..
decisions decisions.

dear diary,

tonight will be our last.
my hands are itching for razors.
my angel, this knife shall carve thee wings.

consumed by sickness, i ache to see your blood.
the hour approaches, when i shall lay a nest inside of you.

sliced open i lay waste to my desires.
sweet entrails are scooped onto the tile.

and in my dreams i hold your head beneath the waves.
after you've died i kiss the nape of your porcelain neck.
you enter me in death's perpetual embrace.
my skin tightens in the throes of lust.

and in my dreams i cut your mouth from ear to ear.
dissecting your angelic body in the quiet of your room.
how splendidly i carve into your tender heart.
i'm shuddering between the sheets.

for weeks i've watched you.
perched above your sleeping form.
as i caress your perfection.
my angel, i'll tear your insides out.

my mind is flooding with the marrow of your bones.
i cannot subside 'til i have suckled every inch of you.

your features, now glazed in your own blood.
my fingers find home amongst your guts.

whisper your name as you awaken.
your throat gasps your skin recoils.
we shall be intertwined entangled in our love.
murder beckons as time stops for your voice.

''i'll love you forever.''
and forever it shall be.
the knives begin singing.
weeping for your flesh.

the pinnacle of obsession is clawing at the fibres of my mind.
the rampant state of elation heightened by the paleness of your cries.
with a promise of absolution, my thoughts are tangled in my creations.
with a promise of unequaled pleasure, reason is twisting, the knives are crooning.

for this perfect end.

i feel the fibers stretch and tear.
unbridled climax is achieved.
i have waited so long for this moment.
the euphoric act of suicide....

split my skin, fuck my wounds. desecrate the inner sanctum in which i hide.
drag me through the mud and blind my whitening eyes so that i may see darkness in the tunnels ov light.

pain i cannot deny, as i rot in this empty shell. swamped in disaffection.
introducing to my newborn hell.

i never mourn, i never look back as long as thy phosphoric rays.
grant me more pleasure than pain. i, who is evil can receive no good.
though i still crave thy healing touch ov grace.
pain is timeless when i question the laws ov life.
drowned in everlasting confusion, caress my hate against the mob.

be it not so, thou shall see me not in agony. failure was, and is no option.
this my undying self, the ever wandering son ov the morn.
abandoned.
yet never to be conquered the opponent.

sitting in the dark i can't forget. even now, i realize the time i'll never get. another story of the bitter pills of hate. no, i can't go back again. but you asked me to love you and i did. traded my emotions for a contract to commit. and when i got away, i only got so far. well the other me is dead. but i hear his voice inside my head. we were never alive, and we won't be born again. but i'll never survive, with dead memories in my heart. you told me to love you and i did. tied my soul into a knot and got me to submit. so when i got away, i only kept my scars. the other me is gone. now i don't know where i belong. and i'll keep telling myself this, we were never alive, and we won't be born again, but i'll never survive, with dead memories in my heart. dead visions in your name, dead fingers in my veins, dead memories in my heart.

I realize I am my deepest shadow,something which I can't ever neglect,
Rising above these ashes,walking forth and fading away.
In dark moments,I know better, and within destruction, I see clearly
From here on to new grounds,I suppose I'll be doing it alone,
With a smile through black design, fearless of my conviction.

Staring into truth,I am the highway,
Existence care for me, in all my everlasting complications

Forget the promised land, there was never an invitation,
Today I create my own, before there was sorrow and lack of attention.

more than 5 years ago, there's a kid who's lost and confused of what he wants to be, confused over what should he do with his life and where should he go.
more than 5 years ago this kid can't decide with confidence the choices he was given, can't stand his own ground, can't decide what's best for him and can't decide the good ones from the bad.
more than 5 years ago this kid made a lot of mistakes, got punished, and definitely regretted what he should and shouldn't have done.
this kid learned his lesson.
today, he learned and slowly become responsible for his actions, stand on his own by his beliefs and principles, and wants to make a better person out of himself.
he's learning but he has still a lot to learn.
as he grows, there's a voice in his head that has grown louder and became his companion, and now becomes his true friend.
this voice, anders, as he likes to call him, becomes the person the that this kid wants to be but will never be, get it?
as the kid grows, he learns who is reliable and who isn't, who are the people not to be influnced with, who to keep aside and who to keep.
sometimes, this kid becomes what anders is.
the absence of fear, loses respect to those who betray him, and as much as his murder fantasies wants to become true, that's where he will draw the line.
he isn't afraid of losing friends.

that kid is me.

What a skeletal wreck of a man i am.
Translucent flesh and feeble bones,the kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tones.
Running rampant with free thought to free form, and the free and clear.

And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat,
to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now.
We all have a little sin that needs venting,virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems that rip from the branches of office.
Do you know what your post entails?

Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your atavistic galore.
The value of a hardwork spent, and a vacation earned.

For the rest of us, there is always Sunday.
The day of the week that reeks of rest, but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked under the bloody pool, and place our hand on the big black book,to watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers.

A vacation is a countdown, t-minus your life and counting.
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube, and hope you get a taste.

me : What the fuck is all this for?

anders(this voice in my head,yea i named him) : What the hell is going on?

me : SHUT UP!

I could go on and on, but let's move on, shall we?

Say, you're me and I'm you, and they all watch the things we do, and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs, haven't felt like this in years, the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse.
Let me go and punch me into the dead spot again.

That's where you go when there's no one else around,
it's just you and there was never really anyone to begin with,
now was there?

Sanctimonious, pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse, and a finger on the trigger.

Classified my ass, that's a fucking secret and you know it.

Government is another way to say, "better than you."
It's like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won't stick.
It's a whole other world where you can smell the food, but you can't touch the silverware.

Heh. What luck, fascism you can vote for. Isn't that sweet.

And we're all gonna die someday, cause that's the only way,
and I've smoked too much and said too little,
when you're gaffer taped in the middle.
Say a prayer, save face, get yourself together and

*singing* See what's happening!

anders : Shut up!

me : Fuck you!

anders : Fuck you!

I'm sorry, I could go on and on, but it's time to move on, so....

Remember, you're a wreck, an accident.
Forget the freak, you're just nature.
Keep the gun oiled, and the temple cleaned.
Shit, snort and blaspheme.
Let the heads cool and the engine run.
Because in the end, everything we do, is just everything we've done.